I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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