I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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