yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
