I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish i was in the wii world.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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