I accidentally burped into my bong.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
