THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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