well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
