im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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