my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
