Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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