and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
