I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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