I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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