If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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