I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
