So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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