remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
