I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
