Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
