I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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