I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
