If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize