yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Girls should come with a carfax report
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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