Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
