got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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