Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
