If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
