A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
