right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
