If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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