peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
