you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
