The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
dude. I can hear the air.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
