What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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