when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
