I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
