i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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