I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
