Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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