Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
