Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Last time i carry you out of a forest
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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