The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
