they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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