I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
