I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
