Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
