guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
