I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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