highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
