saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
