Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
