I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
