Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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