fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
And then he peed in my hair
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize