why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
